The Leeds Leek

21.5.05
Lazy Leek
The Leeds Leek
Leek staff are currently on sabbatical. At least that's what they're calling it.

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25.3.05
Angel of the North
to be Moved South
The Leeds Leek
The Angel of the North, a largish statue currently loitering in the vicinity of Newcastle-upon-Tyne, has been purchased by Mr and Mrs Fraggers of Tunbridge Wells, and is to be relocated to the garden of their semi-detached house.

"If all goes according to plan it should be a permanent fixture alongside our rare collection of garden gnomes by next Monday," according to Mrs. Fraggers.

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24.12.04
Santa Spammed;
Christmas Cancelled
The Leeds Leek
The Leek has learned that Christmas has been cancelled for millions of girls and boys around the world due to what has been called by experts "A spamming campaign of unprecedented scale and ferocity."

According to a Santa spokesperson, a blizzard of gift requests completely overwhelmed the system: "We've tracked it to a misguided little boy in Chicago who wanted the newest Playstation. Not contented with a single request, which is standard, he broke into several large ISPs and hijacked hundreds of thousands of email addresses to aid him in his campaign. Santa, who is himself fictional for entirely legitimate tax purposes, frowns on identity theft."

A raincheck on tidings of good cheer

In the confusion the 'Naughty and Nice' file was corrupted early yesterday morning and is now in a state of irretrievable disrepair. "Basically, we're going to have to start from scratch with the master lists," sighed Xavier Kumquat, database administrator and foreman on the Bratz line ("We all wear a few hats around here. And no, I'm not an elf. Do I look like an elf?")

Children are encouraged to resubmit their profiles to Santa Enterprises Ltd., along with two forms of ID.

"Most of this will end up on the black market now," said Kumquat as he surveyed the warehouse brimming with dolls, train sets, mobile phones which are cameras and cameras which are mobile phones, etc. "It's always a losing battle to break even, but this might finally be the year we go into liquidation."

There are dozens of imitators eager to pick up the reins. Santastic, a firm in Malaysia, is reportedly already gearing up for next Christmas should the long-running North Pole operation fatally stumble.

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16.12.04
New Holiday Fights Ignorance
The Leeds Leek
National Jumper Day came off without a hitch yesterday, though a pensioner in Morecambe was reportedly injured when she attempted to button a cardigan too quickly and suffered wool burn. She was treated and released. It wasn't known if she was observing the holiday or simply engaged in her normal routine.

Businesses remained open and trade was largely unaffected by the celebration, despite the best efforts of its chief promoter Jump for Jumpers! Ltd.

"We're still hoping to achieve Bank Holiday status," said Ramone Pinkeye of JfJ, based in sunny Southend. "That would really put us on the map. Until then we'll have to make do with the website." (www.jump~for~jumers.org.uk - "An unfortunate typo which it's now too late to correct.")

Pinkeye got the idea for National Jumper Day three years ago while watching Countdown. "One of the contestants was wearing a lovely Alpaca as I recall. When he spelled the word 'turtleneck' everything just clicked into place. Unfortunately he was later disqualified for winking at Carol Vorderman while Richard was still in the studio."

It took two years for the self-proclaimed knitted knight to raise the funding for the website and another year to recover from the affects of a social disease caught in Ibiza. "Everything really started to come together for me in late summer," said Pinkeye. "The website was up and running after a few technical glitches and billing errors. The biggest obstacle I had to overcome at that point was ignorance. The public simply weren't aware of the need for national observance of these garments. I made it my mission to educate them."

There is apparently no significance attached to the date. "Every day would be Jumper Day if I had my way!" according to the infectious Pinkeye. "But I had to choose, didn't I."

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10.12.04
Brother, Can You Spare A Subaru?
The Leeds Leek
As the US dollar continues to plunge, there are indications that Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan is considering shifting to a SUV-based currency. A Fed spokesperson denied what he called a "Ridiculous rumour spread by irresponsible news organisations," but according to documents obtained by the Leek under the Freedom of Information Act as amended by the Patriot Act II: 'Don't Worry, Be Happy', there has long been such a contingency plan in place.

 
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Greenspan: post-it policy?

"They know the greenback is dead as a dodo," claimed Nigel Davenport, an expert hired by the Leek to translate and enhance the documents, which consist of minutes of Fed meetings, memos with crease marks indicating they were briefly paper aeroplanes, and a post-it note on which Greenspan has doodled "Ford Explorer = New Gold Standard?"

Economists had mixed reactions."If they're hoping for a smooth transition I think they're in for a nasty shock," claimed Milo Frizzard of UBS. "Ubiquitous as SUVs have become, the American public is not yet ready for the day when they drive to the supermarket and walk home with a loaf of bread. There are also questions about how the exchange rate mechanism will work; and I have yet to meet a colleague who can predict how cup holders might affect the trade deficit."

not our pic
"If it can work in Micronesia
it can work in Minneapolis."
- World Bank

Yap is model for change
Francis Castrato of The World Bank was more hopeful: "The islanders of Yap had a monetary system based on giant stones cut into wheels. History always repeats itself. If it can work in Micronesia it can work in Minneapolis. When the people of the United States learn that, perhaps the markets will settle down and we can all enjoy a stable period of prosperity."

The new economic paradigm

In a tacit acknowledgment of the power of the yen, the next 'dollar' is expected to be a Toyota Land Cruiser with standard options. Consumers will be able to make smaller change with Hondas, roughly analogous to a quarter. Subarus are to replace dimes, and old Pintos, Gremlins and Yugos - surprising numbers of which remain in circulation, considering - are to stand in for nickels, adding urgency to the advice "Don't take any wooden nickels". Pennies will either become hubcaps or gradually phased out.

Neil Bush, brother of the US president, is reputed to own several very large parking lots full of Isuzo Troopers in the Caymans.

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1.11.04
Cyclists Endorse
Kerry for President
The Leeds Leek
In an announcement which political analysts called "Tangential," cyclists across the nation have banded together to endorse Senator John Kerry as the next president of the United States.

photo: Steven Senne, AP"We feel Kerry looks extremely confident on two wheels, which makes us comfortable about his ability to balance the enormous pressures of office," said Wilbur Orvillwright, organiser of the cycling pressure group 'Wheel Mad'.

"He's obviously fit and healthy, and therefore more than capable of surviving the physical rigours of being the leader of the free world."

When asked if president Bush wasn't also in prime condition because of all his brush clearing, Orvillwright was careful not to ride over the toes of people who might enjoy the sport as well: "Clearing brush is an honest expenditure of sweat. I think it's safe to say the nation owes Bush a debt of gratitude for all the branches and leaves he's safely disposed of.

"However, the international situation today cries out for a seasoned cyclist rather than a brush-clearer. Has Bush ever changed a flat tyre? Has he managed to change gear when the situation calls for it? In almost four years in office, the president has failed to even master the Segway."

Bush was unavailable for comment, but according to sources in his campaign presidential mum Babs was said to be "devastated".

Previous endorsements have included Ike ("We did not like Ike; we did not like Ike on a Bike. But Mamie was a charmer, so we went along"), McGovern ("What other choice did we have?"), and Dukakis ("The eyebrows were the key to his charisma").

'Wheel Mad' are reported to be sanguine about the affect their endorsement might have on voters in the current election.

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