21.5.05
Reports of Forum Death
Maybe Not So Premature, Admits CEO
The Times
"We're currently mulling our options," said PGB founder Sam Walker today when asked what was going on with the forum.

10.2.05
Reports of Forum Death
Premature, Claims CEO
The Times
Professing to feel "A little like Mark Twain, except of course this is a nonsmoking office," PGB founder Sam Walker has issued a press release unequivocally stating that the forum "still has a pulse."

There are concerns of what is known in the industry as a Reverse Snowball Effect. "Basically, what it means is that rather than gathering momentum and getting larger and larger, there is a distinct lack of momentum and largeness which tends to feed on itself, or rather not feed on itself. Think of an anorexic snowman," explains web expert Delroy Dilbert, of Delroy Dilbert Delroy Ltd, who was quick to add "I'm not actually saying it's melting."

Walker was upbeat. "The laid-back ambiance can be seen in a positive light far removed from talk of 'melting', which isn't particularly helpful. If people aren't here on the forum, it's quite possible they're out leading active lives, which can only be a good thing. Eventually they'll come back home to their computer. It stands to reason. People get tired."

Queried about his game plan should the post count continue to languish, perhaps due to people not getting tired after all, the webmaster refused to let a frown cloud the Pretty Good Britain horizon: "This is a low-pressure atmosphere, which is the way I like it. People are free to come and go as they please, post or not as they please. When the spirit moves them, they'll hit that 'submit' button. Until then, no force on earth is strong enough to induce them to click that mouse."

Added Dilbert, "You have to be like the reed rather than the oak. You know, bend, not break. And don't forget to give the snowman coals for eyes. Gotta have coals."

6.12.04
Bold Campaign has PETA,
RSPCA Up in Arms
Adweek
PGB CEO Sam Walker has announced that the website plans a new campaign for 2005 to boost sales of its fledgling my little eye range: Buy our cards or we'll kill your dog. Popularized by the now-defunct American magazine National Lampoon in the 70s, the concept is largely untested in British markets, where the public is known to be fond of their pets.

"You've got to break a few eggs to make an omelet," said Walker, unfazed by industry experts who urged caution if not abandonment of the promotion. "Lampoon pioneered the idea but didn't take it far enough, promising to dispatch only the canine featured on its cover, who in any event survived and lived out its days comfortably in a back yard in Pasadena. We actually intend to follow-up, which is important; without it the consumer is left in doubt as to your integrity and real motives. We'll be subcontracting the work to an Essex firm known to be very efficient and polite."

Market research indicated alarm but not outright revulsion, and a distinct preference for jaffa cakes over Ryvita in test groups.

We'll also strangle your sheep
alternative campaign for the Welsh market

18.11.04
2nd American Revolution:
"This Time It's Stationery"
The Times
Promising to revolutionize the personal communications industry "One card at a time," prettygoodbritain.com CEO and pixel engineer Sam Walker today unveiled the my little eye range, featuring a harmonious marriage of photo and text on the front and approx. 34,400 square millimeters of lovely white space inside, "enough room for declarations of independence or otherwise."

Walker is a dual US-UK citizen, fully qualified to dispense pithy captions to a British audience.

Describing the offering as "quirky and irreverent, like PGB itself," the stationery magnate has high hopes that the folded pieces of stiff paper will not only re-sexify snail mail, but "put some pleasing curves into our bottom line, which can currently best be described as a lopsided smile. What I'm after is a frown not turned upside-down, also lopsided. I think."

Industry analysts were stunned by the initial offering of 60 cards. One expert, amazed at the fecundity on display, commented "if you set a thousand monkeys loose with cameras and typewriters they couldn't have done a better job. Presumably."

The range will expand to meet customer demand and executive whim. "I'm even considering an homage to happax legomenon, as soon as I put it in my user dictionary," said Walker, referring to a recent topic of discussion on the website forum.

The cards cost £1.50 - £1.00 each, depending on quantity ordered.

3.11.04
PGB Calls it for Bush
The Times
At 5.41 a.m. Greenwich Mean Time, prettygoodbritain.com became the first expat website to call the US election for George W. Bush, though they didn't get around to posting it until close to half an hour later due to delayed shock if not awe.

The PGB office was draped in black, the traditional colour of mourning "and coolness, but obviously that doesn't apply here," said administrator Sam Walker. "I think Janice of the long-running documentary Friends best summed it up: Oh. My. God."

In other news, Walker formerly renounced his Ohio citizenship "pending the final count, and Diebold investigation."

2.11.04
PGB Endorses Kerry
The Times
Citing concerns for world peace and grammatical stability, prettygoodbritain.com today formally endorsed Senator John Kerry as next president of the United States.

"All the available evidence points to the fact that Bush actually filled out the wrong job application sometime in 1999," claimed a spokesman for the website, influential in some northeastern East Sussex circles.

"Look, there's absolutely nothing wrong with being a manager of Walmart. Somebody has to do it, and chances are Bush would've been in the running."

A Bush campaign spokesperson denied that the president attained his current office due to what amounts to a clerical error, stating "It's shameful that PGB is playing partisan politics at a time when our nation should be rallying around our next emperor."

Polls have the candidates neck and neck, with election 2000 spoiler Ralph Nader apparently not a serious contender in any state except Burkina Faso, which experts point out is technically not a US state at all, but a country currently landlocked in the African continent. Nevertheless Diebold representatives have been spotted in Ouagadougou International Airport with cell phones pressed to ears.

PGB CEO Sam Walker voted via absentee ballot some weeks ago. He is confident his ballot will be one of a majority electing Kerry as the next leader of the free world.

"It'll be JFK without the dames," he said.

28.10.04
PGB Courts Controversy
The Times
In a move seemingly calculated to court contrahvesy, prettygoodbritain.com CEO Sam Walker today unveiled a new scheme to encourage donations to the site.

"Look, we're not asking for a handout," claimed Walker, apparently comfortable with an elastic definition of the term. "We're simply cognizant of the fact that there are many generous people in the world who are keen to aid a good cause."

Queried about what exactly that cause was, the webmaster seemed surprised: "Our bank balance, of course."

PGB provides an online form to facilitate and ease the transfer of funds. However, it's not all about money. Potential patrons are also permitted the option of transfers of bodily wealth: one suggestion on the handy list is 'Kidney'. When asked what use such an organ could possibly be to PGB Ltd., Walker shrugged his shoulders. "I guess you've never heard of Ebay."

"We're working closely with Inland Revenue to ensure complete tax deductibility," he stressed. "The agency's current stance on such forms of generosity is to award the donator/donatrix with a special Gold Star in their file."

Legacies are also accepted.

27.10.04
Webmaster Considers Options
The Times
After pursuing the typical avenues of promotion for new websites, including Usenet advertising, dangling the offer of a free trip to the Isle of Sheppey, and flypapering tourist hotspots such as the Tower of London and the Queen, CEO Sam Walker is reportedly floating the idea of a new mass-market approach: Identifying and tracking down every American visiting or resident in Britain.

Utilizing Home Office records, consumer credit databases, Inland Revenue and IRS data, council tax receipts, tourist information center informants, the electoral roll, questionnaires distributed by street buskers on lunch break, underemployed performance artists, and where necessary, private detectives, Walker hopes to construct a master meet-n-greet list.

"Obviously there are privacy issues," admitted the remarkably calm webmaster. "But once I get my foot in the door, so to speak, I'm confident people will log on, sign up and take part in what is bound to be a lively place for discussion and exchange of information provided membership and postcounts reach the sort of level that most business models would consider viable."

If the pilot program is successful it may be expanded to cover the United States.

25.10.04
PrettyGoodBritain.com Announces Own Existence:
World Continues to Turn on Axis
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
In a development which has stunned both web industry experts and planetologists, the producers of prettygoodbritain.com, a site "for anyone living in, visiting or simply fond of Britain", have just announced that the launch of their new website has had no measurable effect on the steady movement of the planet Earth. However, staff members continue to hold out hope that other heavenly bodies may have ceased spinning, or at the very least paused out of respect for the shaky new enterprise.

"They have correspondents with reeeeeally big telescopes down in Australia who have told them with great confidence that Pluto wobbled, and Saturn definitely lost a ring," claims a PGB insider.

CEO Sam Walker explains: "We have big plans for Pretty Good Britain. It doesn't have any revenue at the moment, but we hope to make up for that in volume." He added, "I've put a new Vauxhall Astra on order as a small gift to myself when the money starts rolling in."

Asked if he was worried about competition from similarly themed sites, he commented: "Of course not. The fact that they already have a loyal following and thousands if not millions of visitors simply means that we have room for growth."