1. Great Britain has a vibrant economy. Name her chief exports.
Villains for Hollywood movies
Language tapes for Lotharios lacking confidence using their own gutter dialect
Tea towels suitable for framing
Monty Python references

2. How can you spot an American tourist?
They're the ones who can't figure out whether to walk on the left or the right
Distracted air due to the effort of constantly converting pounds to dollars then back again to see if there's been a mistake somewhere. Expression frequently punctuated by shock, outrage, hurt, etc
Try 'schedule' (soft 'ch') on for size. Quietly drop it later
Preternaturally attuned to other American accents
Confused by plethora of "Thank yous" at the cashier; eventually lose track and appear passionately grateful for being offered a carrier bag
Unaware when commingling with Canadians

3. What requirements does the Home Office insist upon for potential British citizens?
Basic competence in DIY
Held a valid supermarket loyalty card for at least two years, and remained loyal
Must pass the Directorate's infamous 'Lashings of Lemonade' cultural references quiz
At least 5,000 hours logged on CCTV for your own safety
Must know PIN number

4. Why is a stiff upper lip an indispensable British attribute?
Serves as an awning so endless British rain does not fall into British mouths
Defensive posture against Americans, Australians, Zimbabweans, the French, etc.
Fortification against errant cricket balls
Helps keep tea from scalding the eyes should it splash

5. What is Question Time?
Morning ritual by the Prime Minister's aids to ascertain if their leader is still competent to run the country, e.g., "How many fingers?" "Which socks are still your favourite, Prime Minister?" "Why can't Gordon Brown* take over now?", etc.
Annual opportunity for British public to grill lollipop ladies
Program on the telly where the audience gets the chance to judge the colour-sense of moderator David Dimbleby ("The lady in the purple -- no, aubergine jumper.")

* as a cost-cutting measure, this page hasn't been updated

6. What is the Knowledge?
Test which prospective Princes of Wales must pass so they can collect the rent on Cornwall
Grueling exam given to people who wish to drive a taxicab in London or pilot a bicycle through a roundabout.
Proven ability to speak, understand, and care about Welsh

7. Which of the following helps define an Anglophile?
Swoons over Hugh Grant, Emma Thomson, Benny Hill, etc.
Swoons over the pomp and ceremony of the Monarchy
Mourns the gradual disappearance of Gilbert Scott's classic phone boxes and post boxes; has started a chat room on the subject
Calls 'gas' 'petrol'
Is charmed by "Mind the gap". Buys the t-shirt
Knows what 'ruby murry' means, but errs by asking for it on a 'china plate'
Still takes decimalisation personally
Got a cheap flight over

8. How do you know when you've been truly accepted by your British friends?
They begin to introduce you to their real friends
They stop charging ludicrous currency exchange rates when buying you a coffee at Starbucks
They no longer mime turning down their hearing aid
They stop fencing your cheap American-bought clothes and CDs they've borrowed to unload at rural car boot sales
they cease and desist exaggerating your American accent

9. The US and UK are said to have a special relationship. What does this mean?
Diplomats allowed to keep hotel-room ashtrays
Foreign exchange program swapping Essex wideboys for nobody
Long-running negotiations to trade Blackpool, Hull and Northern Ireland for Florida, New York City and Las Vegas, respectively

10. Which British phrases are not quite genuine?
"Cuddling under the tea cozy"
"You were only supposed to blow the bloody doors off!"
"My wimpet is purple with desire"
"Cor blimey, I'm a limey"

11. Linguists generally distinguish between three, sometimes four periods of the English language. Choose the odd one out.
Prepubescent [800 AD - 1200 AD]
The Considerably Drunk Period [1200 - 1600 approx]
Exaggerated Modern Polite with a Strong Undercurrent of Menace [1600 - present]
Spin [present day]

12. What is congestion charging?
Much-despised fee imposed by British government on all newborns to this crowded little island
Levy on excess soft toys or springing bouncy headed figurines in rear window of car
Surcharge on groups of tourists unaccompanied by a minder holding up an umbrella

13. Which lowers the value of your home the most?
Gnome catchment area
Nearby Cornetto factory but no Flake factory
Grimsby

14. May 26, 2004, to choose a date completely at random, is shortened to 26/5/04 in this country. Why date/month/year rather than month/date/year as it is in America?
Anything which confuses Americans unofficially embraced by the government
EU standardization to harmonize European sell-by dates for straight bananas
Nobody knows, but it was supposed to be fixed at Y2K and wasn't

15. It is axiomatic that Americans don't understand the British sense of humour. What makes the British laugh?
Americans
Lib-Dems
Fox hunting
Devilishly complex games and word puzzles in which the word 'bum', sometimes alternating with the word 'arse', inevitably feature
Kinda lingers ['Not the 9 o'clock News' ref. which certainly makes us laugh]

16. It is currently illegal to do which of the following in Britain?
Ride on a train without a mobile phone
Impersonate a Teletubbie in Wales or import graven images of La La into Scotland.
Wear a tall furry hat unless you're a horse guard or role-playing a horse guard with a member of the royal family
Have Prince Philip put down

17. Update this quote from Shakespeare's 'As You Like It' for a modern audience: "It is a melancholy of mine own, compounded of many simples, extracted from many objects, and indeed the sundry contemplation of my travels which, by often rumination, wraps me in a most humorous sadness"
" It's raining and I left my brolly down the pub"
"Arsenal lost again"
"You were only supposed to blow the bloody doors off!"

18. The British often wave to motorists who stop for them at pedestrian, or zebra crossings (so named because they're striped and not often spotted, by black cabs at least). Why is this?
It's a small country. Everybody knows everybody else
They've survived another trip across another road and are grateful
If you look closely they're not actually waving

19. You've been offered a leg over at a rave. Should you accept?
Yes, before the alcohol wears off and it all goes pear shaped
Yes, unless it's a rave for the conservative party and Ann Widdecombe is fighting with John Redwood over you
Yes, if it's in a toilet stall; it might be an audition for a new channel 4 drama

20. Name a legitimate crisis which currently threatens to overwhelm Britain's confidence in herself and her ability to meet the challenges of the future
NHS staffing crisis, Education crisis, Pensions crisis, Housing crisis
European crisis ("Should we allow them into the British Empire?")
Immigration crisis, particularly as regards the French
'When will Charles get his turn' crisis
'How to Tell Tony Blair to Please Step Down without Hurting His Feelings' crisis
The long pointed women's shoes crisis
The weather

Bonus Question:
Which quote taken from classical literature still has the greatest relevance to today's generation?
"To be or not to be", William Shakespeare
"And so to bed", Samuel Pepys
"Don't Panic", Douglas Adams